There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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