I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
