i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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