I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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