Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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