genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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