you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
