i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
