I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize