Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
