Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
