you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
