I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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