Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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