I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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