Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The Olympian is in my bed
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
