the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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