1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
