guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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