but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize