I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
