operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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