sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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