She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize