around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
