so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
