I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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