the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
