She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
