I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
