I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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