Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
