just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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