i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
