in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
