Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
