I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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