The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
