im so drunk with asians
where?
always
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
