I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
