break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
