Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
