it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
