Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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