he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
