I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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