3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
