I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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