i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
