i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We had sex on a dog bed..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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