took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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