yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Randomize