I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I cockslap morals
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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