Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
