I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
