I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
