No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
