I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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