The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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