This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
